I've got a tennis racket in my hands, and I'm using it to try and destroy a pile of cushions.  With every last ounce of my rage I'm pounding the daylights out of these cushions.  At any moment I expect the tennis racket to break or the cushions to burst.  I'm growling and screaming (yes, again).  Hot energy is moving through me, pressure building, pressure releasing. The eight other breath workers surrounding me in a circle, lying on their backs with heads pointed to the middle, are likely having some difficulty staying with their processes while a madman is furiously pounding on cushions only a few feet away.  Nonetheless, I've been encouraged by the facilitator to come pound and move my rage, so I let her worry about the others.  After all, my anger is partly about how powerless I felt to take care of myself as a boy, how I learned to put others first, especially my mother, in order to be safe and loved. (I know my mother and father were doing their best, given their upbringing.  This is not about blame; it's about releasing pain.)  I stop pounding, curl up and start sobbing.  The facilitator comes over and encourages me to pound some more, but the rage has dissolved for now, and I'm aware that getting lost in the pain can be re-traumatizing.

I haven't posted a blog for some time because so much has been going on and I hardly know what part to write about, or how to really capture the depth and essence of my experiences.  What's more, I've been feeling vulnerable about sharing any of it because it's been so humbling, and because it seems so out of my control.  Of course I'm also doing a fine job of evading the necessary discipline and commitment to write.  So I let the writing moments slip by and, as always, am exceedingly impressed with those who sit down to a computer or paper and pen every day, heck, every few days is admirable to me, and write down the story of their raw, torn, broken-open, exhilarated hearts.  [By the way, if you enjoy authentic , courageous, beautiful, and inspired writing, I strongly recommend you read the Sun magazine http://www.thesunmagazine.org/.  It has left me laughing uncontrollably, crying unabashedly, and whispering "Holy S!#*" in awe and disbelief(not to mention that it is an ad-free publication that donates copies to prisons).]

In various ways, large swaths of my shadow have been laid before me over the last couple of months, and I continue to be humbled by how much I've been unaware or in denial.  Weeks ago I put out a prayer or two for some healing support and am grateful for what has arrived and what is to come.  The things I need always seem to come to me when I'm ready to receive them, often just in the nick of time (sometimes it seems like it's after the nick of time, until I can see the bigger picture). 

As I wrote a couple of posts ago, I fell in love, deeply in love, and fell in fear too.  Was I ready to give it another try?   Intuitively and fearfully (sometimes it's hard for me to tell them apart), I sensed that I was not ready yet to commit again to intimate partnership.  After seeking out some guidance, I saw some of the important pieces of my childhood that needed more healing.  I thought I had done lots of work on my childhood already, and had offered lots of love and forgiveness to my parents, but... no, not done yet.  Just getting warmed up really, just rounding that first corner, time for another leap into the abyss.  Actually, I like how my good friend Shayla Wright once described our journey of growth as a spiral, the issues circling up from time to time in our lives, each turn of the spiral an opportunity to go more deeply into the healing. 

The Universe is abundant with ways to heal because the Universe benefits abundantly from our healing.  In my experience, it's almost as if it's been waiting for me (again) to open up to the shower of blessings it's been dying to offer:  I've done rebirthing breath work (see above first paragraph); I've had a free 2 ½ hour counselling session; I've received the book Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson http://www.holdmetight.net/ as an unexpected gift from a friend; I've received large doses of sweet empathy from friends; I've done a whole lot of EFT on myself; and I've listened to some of A Thousand Names For Joy by Byron Katie, an audio book give to me by a dear friend. http://www.thework.com/athousandnamesforjoy/index.asp.  And through it all, with her own fears or challenges to embrace, Sweet Shantih has supported me with unconditional love.  I'm blessed more than I know, almost more than I can take in.

On top of all of those blessing came a more difficult one.  The therapist from my 2 ½ hour session suggested I explore a book called Messages From The Body http://www.lynnehenderson.com/products.htm, which is a dictionary of the psychological meanings beneath our physical ailments, diseases, disturbances, etc.  This is in large part how I am coming to see my shadow more clearly.  And, as it reads on the website, the book is straight forward, although not judgemental or blaming in my opinion, and takes some inner strength, compassion, and humility to read and integrate.  EFT has been a very helpful tool for me to use with the book, as has been my NVC practice. 

I'm writing this post from Nelson where I've come to visit and to continue my healing Odyssey (I've been told that Nelson was a place where First Nations people would not live, but only come for healing ceremonies).   I'm signed up for a Family Constellation Workshop; I'm planning some private re birthing breath work, more counselling, and who knows what else, a sweat lodge ceremony maybe.  If I seem somewhat overzealous, that's because I am: Love is a powerful motivator.

With Heart,
Eric
Thank you dear Shantih for all your incredible loving support.  I miss you.

Back