1. "Being Giraffe" vs. "Doing Giraffe"
[The Giraffe is the symbol of Compassionate Communication (Nonviolent Communication, NVC). It was chosen as the symbol because it has the largest heart of any land animal (approximately twenty-five pounds) and the heart is where we connect to feelings and needs; the Giraffe also has a long neck, which symbolizes a willingness to speak openly and transparently about feelings and needs; the Giraffe is high above the ground so it can see more than just its own perspective; and the Giraffe has incredible strength, which symbolizes a power to speak authentically and protect needs.]
Being Giraffe is about choosing or intending to direct my consciousness towards feelings and needs, my feelings and needs and the those to whom I am relating. Directing or intending my consciousness in this way helps me connect in the heart to what is presently most alive, and to the oneness with all humans, with all life. Being Giraffe is a questioning of what feelings and needs are alive in any moment, allowing myself to explore, to not know. This exploration takes me on a journey of opening to what is most true. This journey starts from self-awareness, such as by asking myself, "Where am I putting my attention?" I can consciously choose how to relate to life if I am putting my attention on feelings and needs. I tend to react to life if my attention is (unconsciously) on judgements and evaluations.
Doing Giraffe means using the NVC process as a technique. It happens in my head as a thinking process with steps to follow. Doing Giraffe is more about knowing, or wanting to know, or trying to "figure it out". It is about using NVC as a model and trying to get it "right". Being Giraffe happens when I listen to my body and my heart. When I am in this consciousness I see that NVC is process, not a model - a process which supports me to shift from my evaluative thinking to a heart connection within myself and with others.
Being Giraffe means that I am authentic with what is going on for me moment to moment. I am honest about my state of being. I am not expressing my feelings and needs because it is the "best" or "right" thing to do. I express my feelings and needs because I am connected to my need for connection and authenticity. Likewise, doing Giraffe would mean that I am empathizing with someone because I should; it is the NVC thing to do. I might think I have to empathize because it is the "right" thing to do when someone is in pain. However, Being Giraffe means that I am empathizing because it meets my need to contribute to life and to connect with another in the heart. If I have other needs that are alive for me, being Giraffe would mean that I am honest about those needs, taking care to get them met while still holding the other's needs as precious.
Doing Giraffe comes from the head and is about trying to fit into some idea of the right way to use Nonviolent Communication, the right words, the right order. Being Giraffe comes from the heart and is about opening authentically to what is alive for me, what my feelings and needs are: being with what is coming up and with what is beneath what is arising within. Being Giraffe means that I am honest with myself when I am in power-over consciousness, even if I am using NVC language, and I take responsibility for how I am thinking or relating to life.
It is natural that the learning of NVC starts as a mental practice of a technique. As the concepts become familiar and with a consistent practice, the doing Giraffe will shift into a being Giraffe much like playing scales on an instrument leads us to melodies and improvisation. Real-life practice of NVC will take us to being giraffe as we discover, for example, that people in our life do not enjoy the energy of doing a technique for connection. Being Giraffe is a state of consciousness, and the energy that comes from that state supports and invites heartfelt connections.
2. Giraffe Honesty vs. Jackal Honesty
[The Jackal is the symbol for life-alienating communication. It was chosen because it is a predator, it is low to the ground seeing only its own perspective and agenda, and it likes to travel in packs. Jackal language is a language of domination, a language of judgements, evaluations, blaming, punishment and reward, and denial of choice, all of which we have been taught for thousands of years. The idea is not that Giraffe language is "good" and Jackal language "bad"; rather, Giraffe language is more likely to lead to connection and compassion, and Jackal language is more likely to lead to arguments and conflict.]
Giraffe honesty is an expression of an observation, our feelings and needs, and a request for how we would like our needs met. There are no judgements, criticisms, comparisons or blame in giraffe Honesty. The intention with giraffe honesty is to share what is going on for us in way that supports connection. Giraffe honesty lets someone know what present needs we would like to have met. Someone may still interpret our giraffe honesty as judgement because we are all so familiar with receiving the Jackal energy of judgements and right/wrong thinking. So, to support connection, it can be helpful to be prepared to empathize after expressing Giraffe honesty. Giraffe honesty is also very helpful with letting someone know what needs they helped us meet and how we feel about their contribution.
Jackal honesty is an expression of our evaluations of others. When we express Jackal honesty, the intention is to tell others what we think of them, and what they can do to become "better people". When we express evaluations, judgments, blame and criticism to another, it can be very difficult to create connection because the other is hearing that they are wrong or bad. Even if we are expressing positive judgements to others, they are not getting an understanding of how they contributed to our life. With Giraffe honesty, we express what needs were met by someone's actions and how we feel about it. Jackal honesty tends to create alienation or conflict with others, but it is very helpful as part of our inner work of self-empathy. When we get clear on what our Jackal honesty is, we can find the needs behind the Jackals, and then translate Jackal honesty into Giraffe honesty before expressing to another.
3. Empathy vs. Sympathy and other forms of response (fixing, reassuring, storytelling, etc.)
Empathy is comprised of the following four main elements:*
1. An intention to connect to what is alive, the feelings and needs.
2. Staying present, being with what is alive now.
3. A soft, curious focus that follows the feelings and needs that are alive moment to moment.
4. Verbal reflection:
-Reflecting back the feelings and needs we guess are alive for the other, if we sense that verbal reflection will support the other to connect more deeply to him or herself and the root of his or her experience.
-Asking for clarity on what is being said if clarity is needed in order to stay present.
*(These four elements of empathy are slightly adapted from my learning with Robert Gonzales.)
When empathizing with another the intention is to connect with the life-energy moving through another, his or her feelings and needs. We use the word "you" when empathizing, as in, "Are you feeling sad because you need warmth and love?" Empathy involves staying present to what is alive now, not thinking back to what may have happened earlier, or ahead to what may come in the future. The focus is on following what the other's feelings and needs are from moment to moment. For me, the intention, the presence, and the soft focus on following and allowing, are the essence of empathy. Verbal reflection of feelings and needs is offered when we sense that it may help another to connect more deeply to his or her experience. Verbal reflection can help others trust that we are present with them and understand them. We may also ask for clarity on information we're receiving, especially if this clarity will help us stay present. When thoughts, feelings, or needs come up in us that are about us, we notice them and set them aside in order to stay present with what is alive for the other.
Sympathy is about what is going on for us, and when we're offering sympathy the words "I," and "me" or "my" are used; as in, "I feel sad about your story," or, "I feel disappointed because that doesn't meet my need for caring." What another shares may stimulate some feelings and needs for us, or it may bring up a memory of a similar experience we had. When we share what is going on for us we are sympathizing: perhaps because we have a need to reassure others that we understand what they are going through; perhaps we are expressing because we need empathy for what is stimulated in us; or perhaps we are uncomfortable staying present with someone's pain and need a sense of stability and peace. Sympathy is not "wrong", and it is not empathy. Sympathy interrupts the deepening connection the other is finding to his or her inner experience because it takes the attention away from what is going on in others to what is going on in us.
Empathy means that we are putting aside what is coming up for us in order to hold space for others to connect to their feelings and needs. Once we start expressing what is coming up for us, whether it's feelings, needs, stories, or advice the other person will have less space and attention for what is coming up for them. Others may be unable or unwilling to be present with what is alive for us because they still need empathy. However, once people are connected to their feelings and needs, they are more likely to be willing and able to connect to what is being offered from another and may indeed have other needs that get met by sympathy, stories, suggestions, and advice.
4. Protective use of force vs. Punitive use of force
With Protective force I am protecting my needs without right/wrong thinking. Often, the first need with protective force is for safety. Once that need is met, then I can focus on other needs and feelings. So if I see a child run into the street, I stop him or her with physical force to meet my need for his or her safety. What I do or say next will show me if I am using protective use of force or punitive use of force. If I am using protective force, I bring my attention to other needs that are alive. I may need self-empathy, noticing my panic and my need for this child to be safe. Then I might choose to empathize first with the child's needs in running out into the street - perhaps a need for play or connection; or I may choose to express to the child my needs for safety, and for assurance that the child can stay safe. If the child can connect to my needs, I am more confident that an agreement to change actions or behaviour will be kept.
Punitive force is force that is used to try to control behaviour: someone in a position of power or authority uses punitive force to punish someone in a less powerful position for doing something "wrong". With punitive force, a child would be "bad" for running onto the street and would deserve to be punished or blamed. Punitive force is a desperate strategy to serve life because it comes from moralistic judgments, should thinking, and ideas of what someone deserves, not from an awareness of needs. If the person being punished does change his or her behaviour, it will likely be from resentful obedience, fear, or from guilt and shame. And so it is not likely to be a lasting change, and there will likely be a loss in the connection between punisher and the one receiving punishment.
Sometimes incarceration is the best strategy for protecting our needs. With protective use of force, incarceration is a strategy to help people who commit crimes understand the needs that aren't met by their actions. Time spent in incarceration can also be used to help them find other ways to meet the needs they were trying to meet with their criminal actions.
5. Power-With vs. Power-Over
Power-With is a consciousness where all needs are valued equally and decisions on how to meet all needs are inclusive or at least represent the needs of all involved. This can take more time than simply letting one person make the decision for the group; however, when all needs are considered, and decision making is inclusive, then all involved are more likely to agree to and follow through on strategies. In a Power-With paradigm, it is safe to express honestly, and participation in decision making is encouraged. The intention is to find win-win strategies, because the belief held is that life is abundant and the world is a safe place. Choices are made from a self-empowered connection to needs. There is cooperation, interdependence and leaders are resources for the whole. Power-With hierarchies are based on levels of function and responsibility within which people are supported to grow and find connection to a sense of wholeness and oneness. Power-With is heart based and supports peace and collaboration.
A Power-Over consciousness comes from me-first thinking - I'm going to do what I have to do to get my needs met, because they matter most and because there isn't enough for everyone. Power-Over has status-based hierarchies where those with more power and status make the decisions and the needs of those with less power don't matter equally or at all. The beliefs held are the following: some are more valuable then others, there is not enough for everyone so someone has to win and someone else has to lose, the world is not safe, and you can't trust anyone. There is no connection to needs in a Power-Over paradigm; choices are made from fear and moralistic judgments. Power-Over contributes to violence in our thinking, words, and actions.
6. Appreciation vs. Approval, Compliments or Praise
With appreciation, we express clear information that tells people how they have contributed to our lives. A Giraffe appreciation expresses the first three parts of the NVC process: the observation - the specific action or words; the need that was met by the action or words; the feeling we have now that this need is met. For example, "Thank you for taking us into your home for over a month while ours was under renovation. That really met my needs for support, comfort, and ease. I feel very grateful." If we sense that the person has discomfort in receiving this appreciation, we could make a connecting request, such as, "How are you feeling after hearing me say this?" If we sense someone is taking it in and enjoying the appreciation, a request is still possible but less likely as we already sense how another is feeling after hearing our appreciation.
Approval is about sourcing our needs extrinsically by looking for praise and compliments from others to get a sense of worth and love. Praise and compliments are "positive" judgements, such as, "Good girl. You are so great. That is brilliant. You're so smart. You are the best." Praise and compliments can condition people to look outside of themselves for their sense of worth, and actions are then done to please others and get approval, instead of to meet needs and enrich life. This is tragic because our self-worth is then at the whim of how someone else chooses to evaluate us. It is also tragic because we don't learn how we have contributed to life, which is precious information and a resource for growing into our full contribution to life.
7. Choice vs. Submission or Rebellion
Real choice in life comes when we are connected to our needs. Everything we do in life is an attempt to meet a need. If we are connected to our needs in any situation, then we are aware of why we are choosing to do what we are doing; we are aware that there are certain needs we are meeting with our actions, and we can notice if there are needs that are not getting met by our behaviour.
Right now, I am choosing to write about choice because it is meeting my needs for clarity, learning, and, hopefully, contribution to learning for others. As I connect to these needs I feel energy and motivation for doing this writing because these needs are precious to me. Also, doing all I can to learn what I want to live and share with others, meets my need for integrity. Getting agreement and/or feedback from an assessor on my differentiations meets my needs for credibility and acknowledgment.
Submission or rebellion comes from thinking that there is no choice. My thinking in regards to this writing could be, "I have to write these differentiations if I want to become a certified trainer," or, "Forget it. They can't make me do this. They can stuff their certification. I don't need certification anyway." When we aren't aware of choice, then we may act out of powerless submission or angry resistance to what we or others perceive as rules.
8. Observation vs. Observation mixed with evaluation
An observation is simply what comes in through our senses. Evaluation is the thinking that is added to what is coming in through our senses. An observation is free of any positive or negative judgment, opinion, or comparison. It is what a camera would see. An observation is not arguable, unless the observation is from the past and there are differing memories of what happened. In that case, I would qualify my observation by stating that I remember it this way and you remember it that way. An observation can also be created in our minds: an imagining of what might happen in the future, an imagining of what could have happened differently in the past, or an imagining of what could be happening right now in the present. All of these types of observations can stimulate feelings for us.
Observation gets mixed with evaluation when we add thoughts to what is coming in through our senses. When we add these judgemental thoughts, we are adding things that can be argued. One person might describe someone's style of speaking as aggressive; another might evaluate it as assertive. However, the exact words that are said can not be argued about, if both can remember the exact words that were said. Labels such as lazy, stupid, silly, assertive or aggressive are evaluations. The exact behaviour that gets labeled is the observation: lying on the couch for 3 hours with the TV on - labeled as lazy; locking the car with the keys inside the car - labeled as stupid; wearing pajamas to work - labeled as silly; saying the words, "You can't talk to me that way," - labeled as assertive or aggressive. If we want to keep peace and harmony in a situation or discussion, it is a good idea to leave out judgments and evaluations because they are an easy place to find disagreement.
9. Feelings vs. Feelings mixed with thoughts
A feeling is movement of energy in our bodies, an emotion - energy in motion. This energy creates sensations in the body. So when we are expressing how we are feeling, we can name these sensations. For example, I may have tightness in my chest, heat in my face, tingling in my skin, a zap of current through my solar plexus, expansive opening all over. We can also give an emotional name to the feeling: fear, embarrassment, excitement, panic, happiness. Either way, the idea is to give an expression of what is going on in our bodies, without mixing in our mind's evaluations.
An example of a feeling that is mixed with an evaluation would be "blamed", as in, "I feel blamed." Blamed is your mind's evaluation of how another is relating to you, "I think you are blaming me," is what you are indirectly expressing, and in expressing this, you are more likely to think that the other person is responsible for your feelings. The feeling energy that is present in your body when you think you are being blamed might be frustration or fear with sensations of tightness in your jaw or stomach. A feeling mixed with an evaluation is going to be more difficult for others to hear and connect to because there is an implication that they are being judged for their behaviour and are responsible for your feelings.
When you are connected to the feeling energy in your body, without evaluations, and you express what that is to others, they are more likely to hear you and connect to your experience. For instance, I might say that I feel scared or sad, instead of I feel blamed. Feelings without evaluation are valuable information: they point you to the needs that are alive for you in the moment. Feelings that are mixed with evaluation tend to take you away from your needs and towards looking to another to find the cause of your feelings.
10. Need vs. Request
A need is universal life-serving energy wanting to fulfill itself. A need is the quality we want to experience in any given moment to make our lives more wonderful. All humans share the same needs, so we are connecting to a oneness when we connect to our needs and we are connecting to a oneness when we connect to another's needs. Needs are intrinsic; they are abstract qualities within each of us that are important for surviving and thriving. Needs contain no reference to a specific person taking a specific action. Needs are simply qualities of energy alive in us and open to an abundance of ways to be fulfilled. In expressing my need I would not say, "I need you to understand me." I would say, "I need understanding." We can get a sense of the state of our needs by paying attention to our feelings. If we have enjoyable feelings, we have needs that are met. If we have uncomfortable feelings, we have a need that is alive, inviting our attention and wanting to fulfill itself.
To make life more wonderful, we can make a present, doable, positive action request of someone to help meet this need. Requests are not abstract; they are concrete actions that can be taken to meet needs. A positive action is something that you do want, not something you don't want. Also, requests happen in the present. Even if we are requesting an action we want in the future, we request that it be agreed to now, in the present. So I might make the following request, "I am feeling overwhelmed with all the household chores. I have a need for support and cooperation. Would you be willing to agree to take the garbage out each week, and take the compost out when the bucket is full?" The need and the request are two different and separate things. If we can keep them separate, we can stay open to other ways to meet our needs that work for everyone. It is when we can't separate our needs and requests that we get into conflict, because we aren't open to other possibilities and aren't open to hearing others' needs behind their "no": we're attached to an outcome. We shrink life to a narrow focus if we see only one way to meet a need. We open to abundance when we can hold our needs separate from our requests.
11. Request vs. Demand
A crucial element of a request for me is the intention beneath my words: getting my need met while staying connected to myself and others. This means that I want others to hear my needs and help meet them because they have joy in doing so - it meets their needs to help meet mine. When I am making a request instead of a demand and the response is "no", I look for the needs that the other is trying to meet by saying no to me. If I have a need for peace and order and I ask a child to put away his or her toys and I hear "no", I might guess that the child has a need for choice or fun that he or she is saying yes to. My appreciation for another does not diminish when hearing a "no". I am making a request if I am open to exploring other ways to meet my needs that will work for both of us. So it is important for me to be connected to needs in making a request.
When I am making a demand, I am not willing to hear a "no" and connect to the needs behind the "no". I am thinking that another should do what I'm asking because it is the "right" thing to do. When caught in my alienating thinking, difficult, spoiled, or selfish are some labels I might give to a person that says no to my demand. If someone does do what I demand when it doesn't meet his or her needs, he or she will most likely do it from fear, resentful obedience, or from his or her own should thinking. And we will both pay for it because it won't be coming from a joy of giving from the heart.
12. Stimulus vs. Cause
Stimulus and cause are what bring our feelings to life. Our life energy flows between stimulus and cause. The stimulus is the observation of something in the present: something that is coming through our senses or imagined in our minds or remembered in our minds. The observation is not the cause of our feeling state; the cause of our feelings comes from the core of our experience, in our hearts. The flow of energy, the type of feeling moving from our hearts, through our bodies, and then towards the stimulus will depend on what is going on in our hearts.
At the core, in our hearts, are our needs. So a stimulus happens - we have some kind of interaction, and the feelings we experience in relation to this interaction will depend on the state of our needs. Along with the state of our needs, the kind of thoughts we have about the interaction can continue to stimulate and exacerbate our feelings. For instance, the stimulus may be a toddler who is expressing tears and sounds that we might describe as screaming. The toddler's mother may feel frustration and exhaustion one day, because she has needs for support and rest. If she has thoughts about how the baby should be quiet, or about how she is a bad mother, or about how her husband is never there to help, these thoughts will likely add to her level of frustration and exhaustion. The next day the stimulus may be exactly the same, toddler screaming, and the mother is feeling warm and loving because she is connected to her needs to contribute to her child, to love and nurture her child (and hopefully because she has also had some rest and support).
13. Value Judgments vs. Moralistic Judgments, Blame, Criticisms, Comparisons
Value judgements are judgements I make based on whether or not something is in line with my needs. I may decide to do a certain activity or spend time with certain people because my needs are met by doing so. I may have certain preferences for ways I like to meet my needs. These preferences are things or people that I value because they help me meet my needs. Going to an NVC training is something I really value because for me it meets many needs: community, learning, fun, connection, growth, inspiration, and others.
As noted, when I'm making a value judgement, I'm simply deciding whether or not something will meet my needs. Conversely, I make moralistic judgements when I'm judging something based on what I think is good or bad, right or wrong. If something is not meeting my needs, I don't need to judge it as wrong or bad, I can simply be aware that it is not meeting my needs and find other ways to meet my needs. Also, if something is meeting my needs, I don't need to judge it as good or right. I'm aware that my needs are getting met and I may choose to celebrate or express my appreciation. Moralistic judgements, blame, criticism and comparisons are part of a domination consciousness and help those in certain roles of authority have power over others. This happens when people agree with and believe the moralistic judgements they receive from those in authority roles and see themselves as less powerful and of lesser worth than those in roles of authority. Value judgements are part of a partnership consciousness and we have power with someone by letting them know if they are contributing to our needs or not, and by finding out whether or not we are contributing to other's needs.
14. Natural vs. Habitual
Our natural way of communicating and relating is with our feelings and needs. We are born into this world with no inhibitions about expressing how we feel. We make it very obvious with our facial expressions and verbal expressions how we are feeling and whether our needs are being met or not. A baby will show us clearly with her face and the sounds coming out of her mouth if she is or is not getting the food she needs, the bonding she needs, or the safety. There is no judgment. We don't come into the world with an understanding of judgement; we learn this from the language we are taught by adults, who learned it from the adults who taught them.
Because we are taught a language of right and wrong, good and bad, it becomes our habitual way of thinking and communicating. We learn from our parents and teachers to think and speak in terms of what is right or wrong, good or bad, and how to blame, punish and reward. When everyone else around us is speaking this way, we may think that this is the natural way to think and speak. However, if we were taught to speak a language of feelings and needs, and everyone around us spoke this way, we would think that speaking our feelings and needs is our natural language. We would remain connected to our natural way of relating, the way we came into the world relating.
Even though coming from feelings and needs is our natural way of relating, it is not easy to return to a language that supports connection to feelings and needs when we have spent our lives learning and speaking a language of judgments, comparisons, criticisms, evaluations and blame. The unnatural become seemingly natural.
15. Interdependence vs. Dependence or Independence
When we meet some of our needs at the expense of other people's needs, other needs of ours that we may or may not be connected to will not be met. Interdependence means we try to meet our own needs in a way that works for everyone's needs. I believe that if we had an interdependent global consciousness, we in the Western World would greatly change how we are living, because we would see that we meet our needs at the expense of so many others and at the expense of Mother Earth. We are using more resources to enjoy our lives at the cost of healthy lives for those in the "Third World" and at the cost of what our planet can sustain. (The label "Third World" speaks loudly to our hierarchical consciousness that supports the Western World to take advantage of those with less wealth and power.) We are all connected, by how we share the same planet, and by how we relate to each other as a global community. We are naturally interdependent beings.
However, the world we live in has been created with ideas of dependence and independence. With dependence, we look to authorities outside of ourselves to tell us what to do or how to live so they can take care of us: we think other people are responsible for meeting our needs. And if we think those with roles of authority know what is best for us, we are likely to see their needs as more important than ours. With Independence, we think we can do it all on our own and the needs of others don't matter as much or at all: we think everyone should do what they can to take care of themselves. Independence can lead to wars when one side is dominating another and not considering all needs involved. Dependence supports wars when we let others take responsibility for our needs. For example, we might give our power away by thinking the government knows what is best, or by taking orders from an officer and believing we have no choice.
Furthermore, when we think we aren't responsible for our actions, we lose our autonomy, intrinsic motivation, and self-value. We are not connected to our needs when we think we are dependent or independent. Instead, we are focused on strategies that we think help us to survive and enjoy life. If we were all connected to our needs, we would see that our survival depends on all of us meeting our needs in ways that work for all life, and we would we experience how much more enjoyable life is when we contribute to and see ourselves as part of one interdependent living being.
16. Life connected vs Life alienated
When we're connected to life, we're connected to the life-energy that is moving us moment to moment. This life-energy is our feelings and needs. Similar to how we can't see electricity but it moves through computers in order for them to function, we can't see the energy of our feelings and needs, but they bring us alive. We all share the same needs, so when we connect to our needs, we connect to the energy that moves all humans and all life. Connecting to feelings and needs brings us ever closer to the energy that helps all life grow and thrive: all life is trying to meet needs, so needs are at the source of why life is happening. It is very easy to see life happening all around us: plants needing light and water; dogs needing light, water, affection, and play; humans needing light, water, play, meaning, and contribution. Connecting to needs is connecting to life trying to fulfill itself.
When we are alienated from life, we are not connected to our feelings and needs. We may be acting from unconscious habits and beliefs and not acting from conscious choice connected to needs and values. Or we might be in moralistic judgement of how needs are met. We aren't able to connect to life when we make moralistic judgements and evaluations of how needs are met. We are blocked by relating to the "rightness" and "wrongness" of how needs are met, instead of relating to the needs themselves. Judgements, evaluations, blame and criticism keep us alienated from each other because they are all descriptions of how we are different from each other. This is the ego that tries to survive by identifying with how it thinks it is different from - better or worse than others. Judgements, evaluations and comparisons help the ego create the illusion of an identity; an illusion because none of it is based in truth, all of it can be argued. Because needs are universal, when we relate to our needs we are relating to our interconnectedness, to the same divine energy that is moving through all life.
17. Shift vs Compromise
When two people are in conflict it is because they each have different strategies for how they want their needs met and are not connected at a need level. The strategies are in conflict; the needs are never in conflict. If they can enter into a dialogue, let go of their attachment to any outcomes, and connect at the level of needs, then a shift can take place. This shift comes from a mutual awareness of the needs that are alive for both. In connecting to those needs, the shift might be experienced as a felt sense in the body of openness to more possibilities for meeting all needs, and a desire to see all needs met. Brainstorming for these new possibilities is done from choice, a choice to meet needs. And in the newfound strategies there is not a giving up; rather, there is a giving to, a willingness to contribute to another's needs. If there is no shift, it is likely that there is still a subtle attachment to a specific strategy.
Compromises happen at the strategy level, without a connection to the needs involved. There is a sense of one side or both sides giving something up when making a compromise. One side "loses" while another "wins", depending on who made the bigger compromise. Or both sides equally lose. Compromises come from "should" and "have to" thinking, as in, "I really should make this compromise to keep them happy, or I have to make a compromise, there is no other way". The result will most likely be resentment or disappointment in making the compromise.
18. Persisting vs Demanding.
We are each responsible for getting our own needs met. If I wait around for others to meet my needs, it might happen or I might wait forever. So if I notice I have an unmet need I have two ways I can go about trying to fulfill it. One way is to persist in getting my need met within an intention to stay connected to whomever I am asking to meet my need. If the other person says no to my request, I listen for the needs they are trying to meet by saying no, and I empathize with those needs. Then I come back to my needs with my persistence to get them met and make a new request of that person or of someone else or of myself. I stay open to the abundance of the universe. The art of persisting is a balance of not giving up on my needs while communicating to the other that their needs are understood and equally valuable; I want both to get met. This is power-with persistence.
The other way I can go about trying to get my needs met is to make demands. When I am demanding, I am focusing on only my needs getting met. I am not willing to understand and value the needs that might be behind a no. I am coming from some thinking that my needs should get met and this person should do what I'm asking. When I'm demanding, my intention is not to connect; my intention is to get my way. We may think we are being persistent when we continue trying to get our needs met, but if we are not also connected to the other's needs with a desire to have them met as well, then we are persisting with a demanding energy, a power-over persistence.
19. Self-discipline vs. Obedience
The key awareness with self-discipline is the awareness that there is freedom of choice. I am doing something to take care of myself because I'm connected to the needs I want to meet in doing so. Another important part of self-discipline is making a request of myself, not a demand, to change a behaviour in order to better meet my needs. If I don't keep an agreement with myself about how I want to change my behaviour, then I give myself empathy. I connect with the needs I'm trying to meet with the behaviour that isn't working for me and the needs that I'm not meeting with this behaviour. I want to find compassion for how I'm trying to meet my needs and mourn the unmet needs. Once I'm connected to the energy of these needs, then I make new requests of myself for how I want to meet them.
Obedience means I am following orders or demands, either my own or someone else's. I'm trying to change my behaviour because I "should", it is the "right thing to do": I'm making a demand of myself, or accepting someone else's decision of what is "right" and turning that into a demand of myself. For example, a teacher might tell a student that they had better work harder if they want the kind of grades that will get them into university. An obedient student would go and work harder because the teacher has decided for them that university is the "right" thing to do. Others might try to lose weight because their doctors told them they might get serious health problems if they don't. An obedient person would do what their doctor tells them. With obedience, the motivation is from fear and worry about not doing the right thing. There is not a conscious connection to needs and conscious choice as to how to meet those needs. Obedience begets resistance because obeying demands does not meet our need for autonomy and choice. If I have resistance to something, then I am not confident that I am going to sustain lasting change with any new behaviour. With an awareness of the needs I want to meet, a conscious choice to meet these needs, and self-empathy, I am much more confident of making lasting changes.
20. Respect for authority vs. Fear of Authority
When I respect authority my attention is on the humanness of a person in a position of authority. This person is in a position where they are responsible for the needs of others. In connecting with this person as a human, I am trying to understand the needs that this person has the responsibility to meet, even if I don't agree with the way she or he meets these needs, or the way a system supports her or him to meet these needs. A policeman is trying to meet needs for safety when she or he is handing out a ticket for speeding. I have the choice to look at my needs in receiving the ticket and decide what action I would like to take to meet my needs. Perhaps I have not had a speeding ticket for five years. To meet my need for acknowledgment of my driving record, I could express this to the policeman and request that he give me a warning. I respect his need for safety, which is also a need of mine, and I'm still connected to my need for acknowledgment. If she or he doesn't give me a warning, then I could dispute the ticket in court as another strategy to get my need for acknowledgment met. To cultivate a power-with consciousness in relationship to authority, I can respect the needs an authority figure has and still attend to my needs as best I can.
Fear of authority comes from putting my attention on the power an authority figure has to punish. I am not connected to my power if I think there is nothing I can do but submit to authority or rebel. I am not connecting to the humanness in an authority figure if I'm not connected to the needs he or she is trying to meet and if I think she or he has no choice about how to meet those needs, or no choice about how to relate to me. In receiving a ticket from a policeman, if I silently curse and judge this human, I am in a power-over consciousness. I am judging the policeman for the way she or he is meeting his needs, and using her or his power, and I am left to try and power-over him with my judgemental thinking.
21. Vulnerability vs. Weakness
I prefer the word openness or transparency to vulnerability. The traditional definitions of vulnerability include the idea of the potential to be wounded, and I don't want to have that association with how I am choosing to relate to others. However, I do agree that it can be scary to speak transparently, which, for me means I am speaking about my feelings and needs. I think this is scary because I am sharing a deeper part of myself, a part that we as humans have not been educated or supported to share.
We have such a strong need to stay in connection with other humans. Yet, we live in a paradox where the connection we are longing for comes from the heart - sharing feelings and needs, but we have been educated to share our analytical thinking. Even when we learn to share our feelings and needs, we find it scary because we have a need for belonging in a world where many want to keep sharing from a thinking level. Once we experience our needs as intrinsic and not dependent on others, then we can accept ourselves, connect with an inner sense of self-worth, and even connect with those that are not able to hear our feelings and needs. I believe the challenge of living authentically and sharing transparently is to find acceptance in ourselves for the state of our feelings and needs, share transparently from that place of authenticity, and still have compassion for those who are not able to accept or connect to our authenticity.
In a domination culture, it can be seen as a sign of weakness or selfishness to have needs. There are old domination beliefs about needs such as children should put aside their needs for their parents, women should put aside their needs for their family, and men should put aside their needs for their country. It serves a domination culture for people to be disconnected from their needs. Then they will do what others tell them without checking to see if it meets their needs.
The idea of weakness also comes from getting strategies mixed with needs. I think the label "needy" comes from seeing a people who are attached to one strategy for getting a need met, as well as from a lack of looking to themselves or to other strategies to meet needs. If there is a partnership where one person wants only her or his partner to meet needs for closeness, love, or empathy, then the other person in the partnership may start to label that person as "needy" and would likely appreciate a willingness to explore other strategies to meet these needs. Instead of communicating our feelings and needs that aren't met by someone who is not willing to look at other strategies, it can be safer or more familiar to judge the other as weak or needy.
It takes real strength to share our feelings and needs transparently with another and stay open and compassionate if the response is judgemental. If an open, transparent expression is not received with empathy or understanding from another, courage, strength, and self-connection is required to connect to the feelings and needs that may be alive behind a judgemental response .
22. Love as a need vs. Love as a feeling
Love is a need, and like all needs in NVC, all humans have a need for love. It is a "core" need. A core need is a need beneath other needs, a need at the root of our experience. For example, meeting our needs for empathy, understanding, connection, or support helps meet our need for love. On some level, love is always a part of the needs we are trying to meet, whether in giving or receiving. Our need for love is always with us. The amount of energy or life that this need has in being met or unmet varies.
Feelings are not constant. They can change moment to moment. So if we have a certain feeling that we call love, as in, "I feel such love for you," it will pass, as all feelings do. What may be happening when we have this feeling we call love is that our need for love is met and there is emotion we are experiencing that we might call love or joy, warmth or expansion. If a family member forgets your birthday, your need for love may come alive and you may not have a feeling of love towards them as much as you normally might, especially if you are not connected to her or his needs.
Love as a feeling is not always present for us and love as a need, with varying degrees of fulfillment and aliveness is part of the divine energy always moving through us. Like all needs, there are countless ways for us to invite greater fulfillment of our need for love.
23. Self-empathy vs. acting out, repressing, or wallowing in feelings
When we are empathizing with ourselves we are, in a sense, transforming a life-alienated consciousness into a life-serving consciousness. This is done by first recognizing that we are in a reactive place, which means we are not consciously choosing how we are relating to others or to ourselves. Then we look at what kind of thinking is happening for us, and translate that thinking into feelings and needs. When we can feel the energy of the needs, the life-serving energy that is alive beneath the thinking, we are connected to the divine energy that wants to serve life. In this self-connection, we may begin to mourn because of how long these needs have not been fulfilled in our lives, or we may mourn because we have not been aware of and given our attention to these precious needs. This mourning is often described as a sweet pain because it is connected to the life energy of our needs.
When we can't disidentify from our thinking we wallow or suffer with pain and feelings that are not sweet. Our thinking creates a story full of judgements, evaluations, comparisons, should's, diagnoses, and limiting beliefs of others or ourselves. Thinking this way does not open us up to our creativity and to the abundance of life. We can get stuck in these stories, believing they are true and thus not opening to other perspectives. When we are stuck in our story, we react to life from our thinking about what is right or wrong, what should be done, what we have to do; or we might push our story away and pretend that we are fine; or we may wallow in feelings that are stimulated and perpetuated by the story. The story can perpetuate the feelings and the feelings can perpetuate the story because we are not responding to life from choice that is connected to our needs and values. When we get in touch with our needs, we can truly mourn our unmet needs and get in touch with their beauty and living energy.
24. Idiomatic vs. Classical or Formal Giraffe
Idiomatic giraffe works well when it comes out of a strong fluency in classical giraffe. More importantly, idiomatic giraffe works well when it is coming from a consciousness of giraffe. That is to say that if my attention is on my feelings and needs and the feelings and needs of another, then the words I use will most likely support connection. Idiomatic giraffe can be very helpful in connecting with those who are stimulated by language that they are hearing as a model or formula. So classical giraffe can create more difficulty in connecting if the listener is thinking that behind the classical giraffe is and intent to manipulate, needs for trust would probably be alive for this person. Or people may feel uncomfortable hearing someone they know speaking differently then they are accustomed to, so needs for authenticity and connection would probably be alive then. Keeping our attention on feelings and needs and using language that is more familiar can be a more effective way to come into and maintain connection with someone not accustomed to giraffe language.
When conflict arises - unmet needs are very alive and strong feelings are stimulated, then classical giraffe can be the more effective place to come back to. One reason for this is that it is more difficult to access our cognitive brain when conflict arises, our emotional brain or survival brain starts to take over and do what it knows best: fight, flight or freeze. Therefore, it is helpful for the cognitive brain to have a simple and clear process for speaking without judgement, blame or criticism. Classical giraffe may also be easier for another to hear in those moments because it is clear, direct, and free of evaluations. Whereas, with idiomatic giraffe, evaluations can get mixed in with observations and needs and requests can get blurred together. So, of course, there isn't a right way to use language. It is a matter of speaking in a way that will best support connection.
25. Guessing vs Knowing
When we connect with NVC we do so by guessing what needs might be alive for us or another person in the present moment. Different needs might come to mind based on information we are receiving, and we guess if those needs are the ones that are alive in that moment. If we are guessing what need or needs are alive in us, we listen to how our body responds to that need. Our body lets us know if we have guessed the need that is alive by saying "yes" with an opening and relaxing. There may be shift in emotion and tears may come. Our mind alone does not know what need is at the core of our experience. Our whole body holds the answer. Likewise, we guess what needs are alive for others beneath what they are telling us. And we know they have connected to the need or needs that are alive by their body language: perhaps a sigh, relaxing body posture, or tears. So knowing is found through guessing, or the willingness to not know. The more we are willing to not know, the more we can open to a deeper knowing. The knowing does not come from trying to get anything right. Instead of trying, we are allowing space for knowing to arise in the present moment. We listen and notice what comes. We guess, and follow where the energy of life leads us.
The kind of knowing that we may be more familiar with is an intellectual knowing. The mind sees a "problem" to solve, thinks it has the right answer and wants to be right. The mind likes to be right so that it can identify as smart, intelligent, insightful, and helpful. This is not a presence which follows into deeper awareness, it is a cutting short by telling and explaining with ideas we look for in the mind. The mind wants to tell the body what its need is.
Guessing requires a willingness to let go and be present with what is, even as it changes moment to moment, until the body tells the mind what the need is.
26. Empathic sensing vs. Intellectual guessing
Empathic sensing is a deep listening. By being very present with what is and connecting to life energy, guesses as to the essence of experience seem to arrive in our consciousness. There is no attachment to being right about what we are sensing. We are simply noticing and being with what we are noticing. If we offer a verbal guess of what we are sensing and it doesn't land for someone, we let it go and notice what comes next. Certainly it is helpful to develop the intellectual understanding and fluency of feelings and needs, and it does require intellectual effort and practice to learn and become fluent with feelings and needs. But the essence of empathic sensing is not in the words; it is in being present with the energy that is alive for another or for us.
Intellectual guessing comes from looking in our mind for our guesses, analyzing what we hear and trying to form our guesses by figuring it out. Intellectual guessing is doing Giraffe and trying to get it "right". We are not fully present with another if we are in our head trying to figure something out. Perhaps by intellectually trying to figure out what is alive we are trying to meet our needs for learning, or contribution, or maybe self-worth. However, one of the most precious gifts we can give and receive is presence, our complete presence of mind, body and spirit.
By Eric Bowers
