The more I study and practice Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the more I come to see that the key to this practice is the work we do in ourselves.  I hear people express their frustration when they are not able to get someone to behave the way they want them to, and I hear others pronounce that someone they are in disagreement with will never want to connect.  Evaluating another as unwilling to connect is itself an alienating thought, one that doesn't lend itself to connection.  It is so familiar to look outside of ourselves for the reason for our problems.  We think that if only another person would change, then everything would be alright.  The inner work of NVC involves transforming our evaluations and judgments again and again until we are left with a connection to our common human needs.

Last summer, my beloved and I had a Union Ceremony, our version of a wedding.  Surrounded by the support of family and friends, we celebrated our love and deepened our commitment to growing and loving together.  In the weeks after our celebration, instead of a gloriously connected honeymoon phase, I was withdrawing and wanting more space.  I didn't know how to balance a deeper union with my partner while still keeping a sense of freedom and individuality in myself.  I don't know any easy answers to finding this balance.  My beloved and I keep returning to a practice of taking responsibility for our inner work, and then deepening our connection together.

How do I know when it is time for inner work? When I'm not able to connect to and care about another's needs equally with mine; when I have a story of judgments and blaming about someone; when I find myself avoiding or pulling away from someone without being connected to my needs, and without some understanding that the other person's behaviour is the best way they know how to meet some of their needs.

When I'm attached to someone changing, I know I need some change in myself.  Making clear requests of others to meet our needs is a very important part of relationship to be sure, but when they are subtle demands disguised as requests, we are unlikely to invite or deepen connection.  I know I am making a request and inviting connection when I can hear a "no" from someone and my appreciation for them does not diminish, and my intention continues to be connection- having both of our needs equally understood and valued.  When deeper, core needs are involved, it can take some real effort and determination to get back to an intention of connection.  I may need some time to myself or some support from an empathy buddy to help me to find connection to my needs and then with the needs of another.

The foundation of NVC is our feelings and needs because this is where we find heartfelt connection. Because we all see the world differently, it can be difficult to find agreement and connection when expressing our judgments, opinions, and beliefs.  Therefore, in my experience, the "outer" work of finding connection with another comes in putting my attention on the feelings and needs that are alive for the other even if they are expressing judgments, opinions, and beliefs.  The other half of creating this "outer" connection comes from me asking the other to hear and understand the feelings and needs that are alive for me.

The "inner" work of NVC involves transforming my alienating thinking, my judgments, opinions, and beliefs into feelings and needs.  I have not had success in connecting to someone if I am stuck in alienating thinking.  When we are in conflict, it can be easy to get stuck in judging and blaming, largely because we have been raised and educated to think this way for thousands of years.  Once we understand that feelings and needs are where we can connect, we may want to push away our habitual way of thinking and start looking for the feelings and needs.  Because we come from a domination culture of right/wrong, good/bad thinking, it can be easy to see feelings and needs as right or good and judgments and blaming as wrong or bad.  So, in doing our inner work, we might want to go straight to exploring our feelings and needs and put aside any judgments we might have.  If we remember that judgments and blaming are desperate expressions of unmet needs, then we can see the value of paying attention to our judgments and blaming as they are giving us clues about our feelings and needs. 

If I have the inner space to witness my judgmental thoughts while in communication with another, then I pay attention to what feelings and needs these thoughts are pointing to.  Once connected to my feelings and needs, I see if I can connect to the feelings and needs that are presently alive for whomever I am relating to.  Other times, I need physical space in order to do my inner work because I have too much charge in me to witness and differentiate from my thinking: I don't want to connect; I want to be right or get my way; I've forgotten that, on some level, we are always connected.  When I am in this state, it can be very helpful to give expression to my judgmental thoughts by voicing them or writing them down.  When I do this, I release some of the energy of holding them in, and I can look more closely at what needs they are trying to express.  And hopefully I can see that none of my judgments are true, they are a story I am telling myself. 

After deepening my commitment with my beloved, a story that I had begun long before we met came up and got stuck in my thinking:  "I'm going to lose myself in relationship.  There isn't space for me to be me.  She wants to control me.  She thinks her needs are more important.  Relationships don't work.  Love doesn't last.  I want to run and be alone."  If I'm really stuck in believing a story, then saying the story again starting each sentence with, "I'm telling myself...," can help me differentiate from my story.  "I'm telling myself I'm going to lose myself in relationship.  I'm telling myself there isn't space for me to be me."  This is a helpful tool I learned from NVC Trainer Robert Gonzales (www.nvctraininginstitute.com).   If I'm stuck in a story, and I look at my needs before differentiating from my story, then part of me will probably still believe the story and I won't fully connect with my needs; my deep needs for individuality, autonomy, freedom, to know I matter, and to trust in loving another.  So often, the story we are telling ourselves and the feelings connected to that story come from unmet needs from our past, especially when we are too charged to witness and differentiate from our thinking.  Still, we can just keep looking at the story we are telling ourselves, looking with curiosity and compassion, and then connecting in the present to the needs beneath the story.  Look closely, the mind is so clever it will ad the needs to the story, as in, "My needs for freedom and autonomy are unmet."  This story is probably includes an attachment to a particular way to have my needs met.  If I put my attention on the sensations of those needs in my body, just the needs without any ideas of them being met or unmet, and allow myself to feel what is there, I am meeting my needs with my presence and finding the divine wholeness in myself.

Feelings attached to a story are a cycle of suffering that helps keep me stuck as a victim waiting for the outside world to change.  When I am able to be present with the feelings and sensations coming from my needs without any story, I am connected to my needs.   There is an opening into the feelings instead of a tightening.  They may be painful feelings, but it is pain connected to life, a sweet, spacious pain.  This is mourning that helps me heal, connect to my wholeness, and create inner space - the inner space of compassion.  Then I can ask myself, "How am I attending to these needs that are so precious to me?  Am giving myself what I am wanting from others?  Am I bringing the beauty and divine wholeness of these needs to my relationship, or am I bringing my pain and suffering because I keep telling myself and others that these needs aren't met?"

Inner "work" becomes inner "play" when we get past our alienating thinking and connect with the uplifting energy of our needs.  And the play expands from there as we invite others to join us in sharing this energy.

                                                                                                            By Eric Bowers

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